After a Calamity

Like a storm,
Fast, furious,and seemingly endless,
Which in an instant, ceases,
Leaving mere casualties… just casualties.

It was not worst, I felt for a moment, that it wasn’t that bad. I’ve liked this person for quite sometime, but I’ve never thought of him liking me back. Why? I thought of him simply as a great man so he deserves someone better than me.

It’s not self-pity. I struggled so hard to get over this useless feeling. Not to pity oneself is more than self-confidence, it actually aims to lessen the burden of those around you who care about your emotional state or self-concept.

Having mentioned self-concept, I’ve always thought of myself as someone who’s just ’someone’. I got rid of any recognition attached to my name. Though some people still label me ‘this’ or ‘that.’ I’ve  realized that my view of myself should not be limited to what I’ve done or achieved in life (otherwise, life is just too shallow.)

It’s the feeling that you start feeling after the whirlwind passed. Did I lose a part of myself? What have I gained for giving in to my emotions? What have I got for not staying firm? How funny and foolish.

Contemplation

At a certain point in life, we will be faced by truths we thought we knew but were shocked to hear from someone’s mouth.

I don’t deserve anyone… never will I be deserving of anyone. I’ve been thrown out. I should just be begging for some mercy people may have. I should just keep waiting at some of temple’s doorsteps to ask for compassion.

I’m feeling so cold.

I was struck by this thought – I am not deserving of anything -any single thing I enjoy in this life. I should not be celebrating at all, after what I did. I should not be able to find strength to keep dreaming of a good future. It all has ended. No one is going to offer me a genuine affection- neither a comforting one. I should get used to burdens as they will be my constant companions.

Crush me – I’d rather feel the pain than be numb and deaf about the real offense I committed. My heart bleeds to death but this discomfort I chose to linger on… hoping it would be tired of me… and would just automatically leave me.

I don’t deserve anything good.

As I am not good…. and no matter how I try, I won’t measure up to the real standard of goodness.

So better give up than be swept away by an illusion that it’s possible to be good after utterly being bad.

Tedious Endlessness

What keeps running along my head? It’s about my life and how it affects others.

I feel so dizzy.

I feel so tired.

I feel so restless.

I feel insecure.

I feel left alone.

I feel my knees, they hurt so much.

I feel my nape, they make me fall asleep.

I want to stop teaching my previous students.

I actually want to end everything.

Why do I hold on?

What should keep me alive?

If I were to cause distress, pain, and disappointment for loving someone…

Why can’t I just die and disappear in this world?

What should make me value each day that passes by?

What should keep me hoping?

Do you still love me after what I did..?

Would I be lost forever?

Would you stop holding my hand?

Would I end up grasping no hands..?

Tons of similar questions of uncertainty…

Thousands of repetitive, destructive thoughts over-rule my mind.

Rest.

Stillness.

Silence within.

I badly needed.