I harbored some pimples, anxieties and some baggage I shouldn’t be carrying. Yeah. Days to come will be better. Today’s one of those days.

Through a P40-tricycle ride in the murky, muddy and flooded street of Dr. Pilapil, I went back to our home comfy home. Excited to start my PC, I just changed clothes and go about setting up the cable wires. So I’m finally back.

Of course. Checked my YM, yahoomail, gmail, and lastly skype. There was one significant mail entitled PASSPORT.  Yeah. This is it. Let my ‘yes’ be a ‘yes’.

Here I am, still awake. Here you are,reading. What will I share today? That’s something I doubt if you’re interested in. Well, if you insist…

Last Sunday, I was supposed to meet up with this guy, but my sister was suddenly taken to the hospital. She had an ectopic pregnancy, plus tumor in the ovary. What a pain.

I’m not saying this because I missed the date. Duh. How could I think of enjoying when my sister just suffered. I tried to suppress my selfishness. Humans have to know how to sympathize. We should try to put ourselves in other people’s situation.

There. I sounded too preachy. It’s not a lecture if that’s what you’ve been thinking.

God.. have I ventured too far from your will that I seem to be lost? Did I turn away from your ways? What do I really want to do with my life? Where I am really heading? My eyes are seriously darkening due to late bedtime. I couldn’t help it. I starved for almost 12 hours. That was a cruel fast but I had no choice. I got no cash.

Now, this is called whining. I’d just share something cute. Hehe.. Don’t contend! This is my blog, anyway.

Smile

I knew I got to admit that my feelings for him has changed since I read his reply to my letter. What? Just that? I can’t believe how pathetic I have been for believing there’s some special thread connecting us. There isn’t.

Most truthful things are bitter. We’ve just got to take hold of them no matter how cold they seem to be.  Hard facts from his very own mouth. Ouch. I knew from that day on that I had to move on. He doesn’t seem to think the way I do. It’s as simple as that.

Now.. was I thinking of shifting my attention to someone or something else to compensate for the hurts I’ve acquired out of my imaginative mind? Using people to mend? Absolutely not. My relationship with that other friend isn’t something that should be used as a replacement or mender.

I just don’t ever want to keep grasping something that has always been too far to reach. It’s not giving up. Just moving on to something else worth my time and effort. It’s making me old to think of reaching the unreachable. Perhaps it’s time to loosen up and keep my expectations low.

Adios.

It was a typical date. I was never with him alone before. Just last Sunday. I never thought I could feel like a teenager again. It’s comfortable to talk to him. It feels like we are the only two people strolling around mega.

Not that it’s my dream date. As I said, it was typical. Yet, the connection was instant, natural, and long-lasting. I’m not so sure about the last. But I could take a risk. Knowing the ending is boring, anyway.

We watched G.I. Joe, well, obviously his pick. Later, I asked how well he knows the characters but all he could say was it’s popular during our time. Beats me.

Dating a teacher, a P.E. teacher specifically, means opening myself into the world of sports. He likes badminton most. His eyes sparkle whenever he talks about coaching, playing with his team and his father and officiating the game. What is like being a badminton enthusiast? Could you imagine I was invited to join them? Hmm. Well, I don’t know how to refuse.

Let’s see what will happen next time. I should start exercising now. I’m feeling so lethargic after I was hit by a blast. I got terminated. What?! Yeah. TERMINATED.

They’re cruel, he said. I love what he said. It’s like I was beaten by someone and he fought back for me. Good day, everyone. Smile.

I’m willing to come, if you just make me feel you wanted me to. Would you make the same sacrifice if I asked, too? How far are you going if I ask you to go? Even if it means traveling without aim. It’s fearsome to go somewhere with no clear result.

Will we see the spark? Will you think I’m worth it? Should we move to a new level higher than friendship? Will I please or will I disappoint? I’d rather be certain than sorry.

There are exact formulas, why stick to trial and error? In attraction, there were previously proven facts. We just need to dig and apply. I really wish you’d like me as soon as we’ve met. I greatly wish you would. ’cause I promise to do anything to stay.

I may have swayed… so do you. But we both didn’t know we did. So why be reluctant to admit? Ask. Just ask.

I spent my life learning to feel less.
Every day I felt less.
Is that growing old? Or is it something worse?
You can not protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.

* Oskar’s grandmother to his grandfather after she told him of her pregnancy.
* “My Feelings” (p. 180)

Somehow I was able to relate to this quote. Why? Its clarity and honesty pierce my heart and crush my soul. Have I lost all emotions necessary for sensitivity? I wonder.

It was foolish. Is there any possibility that I could regain my ruined pride and dignity? Was it just an expression of attraction? But why do I feel like a loser?

As much as I can, I wish to be tactful about this. I don’t blame him. I’m part of the game. Yet, who knows what he’s thinking? could he even be thinking about it? If not, should I feel insulted that he doesn’t even consider pondering on it?

I sent the gift and the letter, plus a book which just added to the weight. Not that I regret it. I’m just anxious about tomorrow. What reaction would it evoke in him? I just want him to be happy.

Not that I expect great appreciation. It’s actually a way of relieving my heart of the burden of having to think about not giving him what I promised I would give him. So that’s it.

Wanna know what I gave him? It’s so high school. hahaha… A bench shirt with this message: “FEED YOUR MIND.”

I hope he hasn’t bought one like that. Or else…. Well, it can’t be undone. Super belated present but he deserves more than that.

This is the fifth day I woke up feeling so down. Is it the suspended vacation or is it the conscience-striking fact I daily avoid?

Everything started to be messy when I’ve failed to stand firm. Your past always has a way of biting your soles. Just like snakes, they’re unwelcome and fatal. Could it be that we’re not really meant to meet during our entire lifetime on earth? If you think of it, 988 is no big cash for someone earning a decent monthly pay.

Another thing, my aunt is coming home this Sept. 12. Why of all dates would she choose this date I set for my meeting with Him? Is it just fate or these are already obvious signs I should stop pursuing my dream?

I keep telling others, when you’ve found the person you want to spend the rest of the day just talking and laughing, don’t ever let go. Run after the sun, savor the rays it generates from afar. Halt the poetic stuff. I just simply want to spend my birthday with him this year. However,  it seems that everytime my birthday comes close, something comes up.

We must be born not to meet or even greet in person. OUCH. What a sad truth I have to accept as early as NOW.

After cleaning the house for almost an hour, I came to realize someone cares more than I thought he does. He really does. I never thought he could be surprisingly sweet sometimes. It was so unexpected of  him when he said “I’m proud of you.”

Of course I had to be a bit sarcastic: “You sound like my dad.” But in the end, I acknowledged his act as something “surprisingly sweet.” I guess he’s an expert at making my heart skip for joy without even touching me.Was it out of familiarity? Or just out of my heart’s real beat?

I got a really good news this afternoon. Thanks to Courtney, a friend who’s a travel buff, who helped me solved my trip dillemma. I have just one problem left unsettled. My appearance. Big trouble? Well, I just need a consistent amount of discipline in 36 days.

May I give him back the surprises he made me feel. It has to be a great year. We’ll make it a great year.

Like a storm,
Fast, furious,and seemingly endless,
Which in an instant, ceases,
Leaving mere casualties… just casualties.

It was not worst, I felt for a moment, that it wasn’t that bad. I’ve liked this person for quite sometime, but I’ve never thought of him liking me back. Why? I thought of him simply as a great man so he deserves someone better than me.

It’s not self-pity. I struggled so hard to get over this useless feeling. Not to pity oneself is more than self-confidence, it actually aims to lessen the burden of those around you who care about your emotional state or self-concept.

Having mentioned self-concept, I’ve always thought of myself as someone who’s just ’someone’. I got rid of any recognition attached to my name. Though some people still label me ‘this’ or ‘that.’ I’ve  realized that my view of myself should not be limited to what I’ve done or achieved in life (otherwise, life is just too shallow.)

It’s the feeling that you start feeling after the whirlwind passed. Did I lose a part of myself? What have I gained for giving in to my emotions? What have I got for not staying firm? How funny and foolish.

]]> http://issaiatic.wordpress.com/2009/08/02/after-a-calamity/feed/ 0 issaiatic http://issaiatic.wordpress.com/2009/07/24/anime-manga-monster/ http://issaiatic.wordpress.com/2009/07/24/anime-manga-monster/#comments Fri, 24 Jul 2009 23:39:13 +0000 issaiatic http://issaiatic.wordpress.com/2009/07/24/anime-manga-monster/ ]]>

Anime | Manga – Monster

Shared via AddThis