Neurons Niche

Entries from September 2008

Contemplation

September 11, 2008 · Leave a Comment

At a certain point in life, we will be faced by truths we thought we knew but were shocked to hear from someone’s mouth.

I don’t deserve anyone… never will I be deserving of anyone. I’ve been thrown out. I should just be begging for some mercy people may have. I should just keep waiting at some of temple’s doorsteps to ask for compassion.

I’m feeling so cold.

I was struck by this thought – I am not deserving of anything -any single thing I enjoy in this life. I should not be celebrating at all, after what I did. I should not be able to find strength to keep dreaming of a good future. It all has ended. No one is going to offer me a genuine affection- neither a comforting one. I should get used to burdens as they will be my constant companions.

Crush me – I’d rather feel the pain than be numb and deaf about the real offense I committed. My heart bleeds to death but this discomfort I chose to linger on… hoping it would be tired of me… and would just automatically leave me.

I don’t deserve anything good.

As I am not good…. and no matter how I try, I won’t measure up to the real standard of goodness.

So better give up than be swept away by an illusion that it’s possible to be good after utterly being bad.

Categories: Personal
Tagged:

Perfect Date

September 6, 2008 · Leave a Comment

It wasn’t a typical Saturday.

I woke up late after painstakingly memorizing IPA for my Phonology class. It’s no use, I went to bed around 1am, so I wasn’t able to rise at 4am.My first absence on that class.

I thought it’s going to be another Saturday: attend classes, go to the library, drop by the copy center, eat lunch at the canteen. I deemed everything would be mere repetition and replication of the previous days.

I was grateful someone saved my day.

Seeing her smile after a tiring day was a great relief. I made her wait for thirty minutes, yet she managed to give me that delighted look.

We reached our destination just in time: 6pm. There were lots of people entering the place, expecting to have so much fun.

At the ticket booth, we picked RIDE ALL YOU CAN (RAYC)+ SNOW WORLD.Hmmmm.. sounded like a great idea. By all means, it was.

From four hours of staying in a seem-to-be ordinary amusement center, I learned a lot. Here are some lessons I gained while strolling in this famed theme park (Star City):

IF YOU TRY TO FIND WAYS TO ENJOY, YOU CERTAINLY WILL. The queue for the rides was truly discouraging as it was obviously and tediously ‘lengthy’. It’s something I hate doing, but I decided not to spoil my day. While waiting for our turn,I tried to look around for a shift of mood. I succeeded. Kids’ smiles are the best source of inspiration. I felt lighter than a feather while looking at their faces: rounded cheeks, rosy lips, deep dimples and glittering eyes are more attractive than anything else.

GET RID OF UNPLEASANT THOUGHTS BY BEING ‘PRESENT’ AT THE VERY MOMENT. Couples holding hands while walking reminded me of “him”. It was wrong and unfair, because I was with my cousin at that moment. I wrestled with that unpleasant thought. Instead of eating my heart out, I tried switching my focus to my companion. She doesn’t go out very often, it was actually her first time to go to an amusement park. It was so selfish of me to ruin her earliest experience of the place.

IT’S FREE TO HUG AND IT’S GOOD FOR HEALTH. It’s one thing I missed about my best friend, she loves to hug me, anywhere,anyhow. (hahaha) People around us were going nuts as they look at how mushy my best friend was. Anyway, I did embrace my cousin several times just the way I remembered how my closest friend did. It feels good to be the first to give a hug, just as it feels otherwise.By the way, the Italian origin of my name is “embrace”.It’s a life’s must-have, I’d surely die without receiving or giving one.

JUST RIDE WHAT YOU FEEL YOU CAN. It isn’t about courage, it’s about self-respect. People might accuse me a coward, but I don’t care. Why sacrifice comfort and peace of mind just to cease the jeering crowd? It’s way better to be real. So what If I couldn’t ride the surf dance and the hanging roller coaster, I had enough pleasure with eleven simple treats: bump cars,bumper boats,viking,cyclone loop,wild river, blizzard, time tunnel, snow world, gabi ng lagim, and Disney worlds of Mermaid, and Snow White. (Nothing follows,hahaha..)

Surely, that Saturday was one of a kind! I’m convinced that we don’t study life, we live it. Every moment, whether trivial or essential, can help us grow a bit.It’s a matter of perspective.

26.11.2007. 07:21

Categories: Slice of Life
Tagged: ,